Thursday, January 30, 2014
The EVE
It's the eve of the lunar new year today. I guess she must be busy cleaning and tidying her room and the house. Gambate! Me? I\m in camp to take over my medic for his duty because i didn't want to go for the celebration. I'm all alone on my on and I'm so alone. I'll be strong, i'll be wrong but i still can't go on. I'm just a stranger, trying to find a place in this world. It's okay for me to be alone, from now and forever because i know you're inside me, in my memories and those memories will live on. I'm sure your life has been pretty good now. With your friends and love ones, i can just imagine you smiling. I felt bitter sweet. I could only picture you and imagine but i could never see your smile again. Thank you for not leaving me behind because you are still part of my life every single day. I wonder why, tears fell from my eyes again. Even if today i won't get to see you, i'll look for a tomorrow that i would be able to see your smile again. Don't cry again. I'll take all the tears just like now. I hope you're happy.
One day, i hope my wish would be fulfilled. I hope i would have the courage to tell you how i've been feeling. But would you really bother about a stranger? I wish i had contracted some incurable illness and am going to die. Then maybe i would have the courage to tell you without hesitation. I would no longer ask for your acceptance but wish for you to know there was once a guy whom you met whom is no longer a stranger. Afterall, as a dying person, i wouldn't want to impose on you or gain sympathy. I don't wish to see you cry again. Perhaps i will just write a long long letter and pass to some and ask him\her to deliver to your doorstep when i am no longer around.
It was never easy. To be honest, i was never whole and will never be again. But, i still enjoyed my time with you. Thank you for everything. I am sorry i wasn't good enough.
One day, i hope my wish would be fulfilled. I hope i would have the courage to tell you how i've been feeling. But would you really bother about a stranger? I wish i had contracted some incurable illness and am going to die. Then maybe i would have the courage to tell you without hesitation. I would no longer ask for your acceptance but wish for you to know there was once a guy whom you met whom is no longer a stranger. Afterall, as a dying person, i wouldn't want to impose on you or gain sympathy. I don't wish to see you cry again. Perhaps i will just write a long long letter and pass to some and ask him\her to deliver to your doorstep when i am no longer around.
It was never easy. To be honest, i was never whole and will never be again. But, i still enjoyed my time with you. Thank you for everything. I am sorry i wasn't good enough.
i know that i have loved you ... at 11:27 am
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
The Lunar New Year
Just 3 more days to CNY. How have you been? Perhaps i wrote too much that she've found out that i left the necklace outside her door. I am merely a shadow. I can never attain happiness so i don't want to bring any misfortune to her. But i really hope she will wear it someday.
It's a lonely CNY. I wanted to ask her to come over for dinner which we didn't had last year. I wanted to visit her grandparents with her which i didn't get to last year. I'm prepared and ready but i would never have the chance. There are so much so much i wanted to tell you but i couldn't. I'm sorry, i just don't want to bother you because you will be much happier without me.
I've been thinking a lot a lot everyday. Like what to give you for our 2nd year anniversary. Hahaha! By then, you might already have found someone else. Silly me!!! 2nd year? We ain't together anymore and you may have forgotten right? What's the point? But i guess it is still important to me. Everyone i came across that asked me, i told them that i will not get married and will stay single. Even if you would never be back, it is alright. I just don't have the strength to fall in love anymore. I just wish you were my very last and we could always smile together. But even though i am not by your side, i hope your smile will be brighter than before.
Take care...
It's a lonely CNY. I wanted to ask her to come over for dinner which we didn't had last year. I wanted to visit her grandparents with her which i didn't get to last year. I'm prepared and ready but i would never have the chance. There are so much so much i wanted to tell you but i couldn't. I'm sorry, i just don't want to bother you because you will be much happier without me.
I've been thinking a lot a lot everyday. Like what to give you for our 2nd year anniversary. Hahaha! By then, you might already have found someone else. Silly me!!! 2nd year? We ain't together anymore and you may have forgotten right? What's the point? But i guess it is still important to me. Everyone i came across that asked me, i told them that i will not get married and will stay single. Even if you would never be back, it is alright. I just don't have the strength to fall in love anymore. I just wish you were my very last and we could always smile together. But even though i am not by your side, i hope your smile will be brighter than before.
Take care...
i know that i have loved you ... at 7:58 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Monday, January 20, 2014
Believe
I've always thought that you will always be by my side. I thought those promises and vows we exchanged was meant to last forever. But now everything is broken and it seems I've waken up from my long slumber. If it was merely a dream, I rather sleep for eternity, don't wake me up.
You never know you gave me so much more than I could ever ask for. Your smiles, your laughter, you joys, it's imprinted into me. Despite having to leave, those moments will still lives on inside me.
Hold me, hold me just once more and you will see this pure heart of mine. Even if it's a dream I wouldn't mind, I'll sleep for eternity. I believe some day I'll see you again, just like I see you in my memories everyday, smiling. I believe you will be happy.
Believe me, believe me. It has always been so pure. Even if I don't wake up from this dream, I believe I will be better off now. Believe in fate, believe in you, that there are voices echoing your sweet voices in the wind.
Even if tomorrow I never dream, even if tomorrow is barren of promises, I believe, you and me, will never forget that dream we once shared.
I thought I could leave and visit, but I cried when I was on the bus. How weak, how pathetic have I become? I'm thankful at least you are not around. The scent of the breeze feels the same. I stood outside the door, picturing the familiar place which I have been forbidden. I left, with a heavy feeling and wet eyes. I wish, you would understands someday. It was never easy but I'll pray for you, just like always, for your to be happy always...
You never know you gave me so much more than I could ever ask for. Your smiles, your laughter, you joys, it's imprinted into me. Despite having to leave, those moments will still lives on inside me.
Hold me, hold me just once more and you will see this pure heart of mine. Even if it's a dream I wouldn't mind, I'll sleep for eternity. I believe some day I'll see you again, just like I see you in my memories everyday, smiling. I believe you will be happy.
Believe me, believe me. It has always been so pure. Even if I don't wake up from this dream, I believe I will be better off now. Believe in fate, believe in you, that there are voices echoing your sweet voices in the wind.
Even if tomorrow I never dream, even if tomorrow is barren of promises, I believe, you and me, will never forget that dream we once shared.
I thought I could leave and visit, but I cried when I was on the bus. How weak, how pathetic have I become? I'm thankful at least you are not around. The scent of the breeze feels the same. I stood outside the door, picturing the familiar place which I have been forbidden. I left, with a heavy feeling and wet eyes. I wish, you would understands someday. It was never easy but I'll pray for you, just like always, for your to be happy always...
i know that i have loved you ... at 5:32 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Departures Blessings
I will never again receive your love
Nor will I ever be needed
And that is how I find myself all alone
What was it you told me back then?
The words that won't reach me dance in the air
And though I know better, today too I end up
Wishing for things that won't come true
Don't let me go
Just squeeze my hand tight
And tell me we'll go on together
Your hand in mine was warm
And gentle
That's how you always anger me
And make me cry in the end
But I loved the way
You looked when you apologized
Afterwards
Don't let me go
Hold me tight, yes, with all your strength
I want to be in your arms
We'll fall asleep as we touch our foreheads
Together
Did you know that we'll never be able to meet ever again?
Don't let me go
Hold me tight; I love you
Won't you laugh for me just one more time?
Before your warmth vanishes
Embrace me
Nor will I ever be needed
And that is how I find myself all alone
What was it you told me back then?
The words that won't reach me dance in the air
And though I know better, today too I end up
Wishing for things that won't come true
Don't let me go
Just squeeze my hand tight
And tell me we'll go on together
Your hand in mine was warm
And gentle
That's how you always anger me
And make me cry in the end
But I loved the way
You looked when you apologized
Afterwards
Don't let me go
Hold me tight, yes, with all your strength
I want to be in your arms
We'll fall asleep as we touch our foreheads
Together
Did you know that we'll never be able to meet ever again?
Don't let me go
Hold me tight; I love you
Won't you laugh for me just one more time?
Before your warmth vanishes
Embrace me
i know that i have loved you ... at 6:31 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
I Tried
I tried to tell myself that you're gone but the ghost of you haunts me and I am still in love with the phantom of you. I tried my very best to refrain myself from contacting you. I tried to give u a little of happiness I know. I tried and I'll keep trying.
My eyes hurts from the endless days of tears. I'm feel so tired from these sleepless night. But it's okay. I just wanna ask, are you feeling happier now? What a silly question right? I'm sure you are. I'm sure you will be. As long as I'm not there, you will be happier. I rather get hurt than feel nothing at all. I dunno how I can do without you, but somehow I'll manage. It's me, for you.. always bb.
I hope you did well for your studies and is enjoying the company of your love ones. Even though I'm not around you, know this, maybe one day you'll find me somewhere waiting. If you see me, it's not because of coincidence, it's because I'm waiting for you. Just like now and the past 30 minutes. Smile, for your smile is the key to my happiness that can never be reinstated.
I tried to go on like I never know you... But you know.. it's incomplete...
My eyes hurts from the endless days of tears. I'm feel so tired from these sleepless night. But it's okay. I just wanna ask, are you feeling happier now? What a silly question right? I'm sure you are. I'm sure you will be. As long as I'm not there, you will be happier. I rather get hurt than feel nothing at all. I dunno how I can do without you, but somehow I'll manage. It's me, for you.. always bb.
I hope you did well for your studies and is enjoying the company of your love ones. Even though I'm not around you, know this, maybe one day you'll find me somewhere waiting. If you see me, it's not because of coincidence, it's because I'm waiting for you. Just like now and the past 30 minutes. Smile, for your smile is the key to my happiness that can never be reinstated.
I tried to go on like I never know you... But you know.. it's incomplete...
i know that i have loved you ... at 4:28 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Monday, January 13, 2014
the Future
While I was walking home, I saw many holding their result slips with them. With their friends, with smile and some talking and texting. The moment of truth for the hard work they've put in the past 4 years. How did you do? I bet you're with your friends and texting or calling your love ones. Me? I'm okay being alone. No matter how long I wait, your text would never come. It's alright. I just hope everything is well for you and you'll have a bright future ahead! For me? I don't have a future. It's okay. I don't need any.
Actually, I keep looking at your blog, at my phone. Maybe I'll get to know how you've been doing, how you've done for your exams. Silly me, I could just ask right? No I couldn't. If I appear again, would you be happy? I have to curb myself. I can't spoil your big day. I'll do Anything for you as long as it'll make you happier. I'm not noble, I'm just plain simple. To love someone and make the person happy, giving the person happiness and care for her, that's why I choose to love myself.
I'm starting my classes soon. But I'll no longer be able to stay at your house and see you. I'll just imagine it. Your face, your smile, your smell and your room. Please stay safe and have a bright and sunny future. I just wanted to tell you someday, bob, you know, no matter how hurting I am, I'll continue to smile in front of you. If leaving me was the best decision and the only choice you had, I'll show you that you've made the right choice even though it's painful. Live on happily. I'll take all the sorrow and let it run in my blood.
For the future that holds so bright, pls bless it to you. For all the rainy stormy nights, I'll take your place and endure them for you. A future without you is no future. It is just a dark hole which I will always be in. But I'll be happy as long as you keep shinning. I love you more than anything else in this world. I'm sorry, I couldn't do anything more for you.
Actually, I keep looking at your blog, at my phone. Maybe I'll get to know how you've been doing, how you've done for your exams. Silly me, I could just ask right? No I couldn't. If I appear again, would you be happy? I have to curb myself. I can't spoil your big day. I'll do Anything for you as long as it'll make you happier. I'm not noble, I'm just plain simple. To love someone and make the person happy, giving the person happiness and care for her, that's why I choose to love myself.
I'm starting my classes soon. But I'll no longer be able to stay at your house and see you. I'll just imagine it. Your face, your smile, your smell and your room. Please stay safe and have a bright and sunny future. I just wanted to tell you someday, bob, you know, no matter how hurting I am, I'll continue to smile in front of you. If leaving me was the best decision and the only choice you had, I'll show you that you've made the right choice even though it's painful. Live on happily. I'll take all the sorrow and let it run in my blood.
For the future that holds so bright, pls bless it to you. For all the rainy stormy nights, I'll take your place and endure them for you. A future without you is no future. It is just a dark hole which I will always be in. But I'll be happy as long as you keep shinning. I love you more than anything else in this world. I'm sorry, I couldn't do anything more for you.
i know that i have loved you ... at 3:48 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Same Old Me
Here I am again. Going with the flow of time, desperately looking around for the shadow of you. It's okay if you don't return, I know you never will. It's just that when I look around, you are gone. Without you, without you... Things will never be the same. I'm here walking the same old path, looking back, I've been alone all these while. I'm tired. It's just the same old me, walking around in circles. Being with the ghost of you, walking those familiar path which we once took together but now I'm all alone.
I dint expect you to understand. You will never know how it have been for me. It's better that you don't know. You taught me to love but I could love no more. There is no replacement or another you in this world. I'm faded. It's just the same old me in the end. It's just me.
It's past 2:35pm now. You must be anxiously waiting or have already taken your results. I wish I could wait for you and share this moment with you. I know there will be someone for you. For me, nothing have changed. It's just the same old me. I hope you're happy. I know you will be. Happier and happier without me whom have been lostin the distant past. It's just the same old me again... Again...
i know that i have loved you ... at 2:39 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Results
Tomorrow is the day which your results are release. To be honest, I am more worried and excited than you could imagine. I wish I could be there with u to receive it. I wish you would let me wait outside your school for you. I wish you would text me first hand. But I guess... It's okay. You probably gonna be busy with friends, with your love ones, deciding about the route you ought to take in the future.
I would never want u to sacrifice your future and happiness for me. I would want you to go to the school you want to and do the things you want. When I think of it, I felt better. Because I rather sacrifice my future than allow you to make a wrong decision. No matter how painful, I will support you, even till now.
It's been really tiring and painful. You said, I will get over it soon. But it was never that easy to begin with. You thought I avoid you because I wanted to forget you but... What good would a boyfriend be if he can't make his girl happy. You said I was worse than friend and you would be happier if I'm gone. No matter how painful or hard it has been, I will do anything if it means to make you happy.
All my life, I've always wanted to make someone I love happy. To see her smile, even though I can no longer see yours, I'll just imagine now, you're smiling. Another tear dropped. Till this day, you won't know and you will never know. Someone here is waiting. I can no longer tell you anything. Even though I wrote everything, nobody would read. Dear blog, it's only you and me, all ok my own...
I would never want u to sacrifice your future and happiness for me. I would want you to go to the school you want to and do the things you want. When I think of it, I felt better. Because I rather sacrifice my future than allow you to make a wrong decision. No matter how painful, I will support you, even till now.
It's been really tiring and painful. You said, I will get over it soon. But it was never that easy to begin with. You thought I avoid you because I wanted to forget you but... What good would a boyfriend be if he can't make his girl happy. You said I was worse than friend and you would be happier if I'm gone. No matter how painful or hard it has been, I will do anything if it means to make you happy.
All my life, I've always wanted to make someone I love happy. To see her smile, even though I can no longer see yours, I'll just imagine now, you're smiling. Another tear dropped. Till this day, you won't know and you will never know. Someone here is waiting. I can no longer tell you anything. Even though I wrote everything, nobody would read. Dear blog, it's only you and me, all ok my own...
i know that i have loved you ... at 10:57 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Endless Pain
I took a look at the mirror and there was someone whom I didn't recognised. It so cold. The sorrow that shows the deepest and darkness of self. I don't cry anymore even though I feel so hurt. This endless pain, I will endure till the day you are back. I think about you everyday but I could no longer shed any tears. It has run dry, together with what's little left of me.
Nobody knows me, yet everyone knows my name. I merely wanted to give all I could to that precious someone whom I wanted to love and protect, but I've failed. I'm so tired....torture my soul endlessly. I'll endure this endless pain because I believe in you.
If the opposite of light is darkness, the opposite of pain would be joy. I'll take all of the pain and all of the sadness with me. Please forever smile and be happy. Live on enjoying everyday. Remember, never give up. That'll be my gift for u. An everlasting gift.
Nobody knows me, yet everyone knows my name. I merely wanted to give all I could to that precious someone whom I wanted to love and protect, but I've failed. I'm so tired....torture my soul endlessly. I'll endure this endless pain because I believe in you.
If the opposite of light is darkness, the opposite of pain would be joy. I'll take all of the pain and all of the sadness with me. Please forever smile and be happy. Live on enjoying everyday. Remember, never give up. That'll be my gift for u. An everlasting gift.
i know that i have loved you ... at 11:49 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Dreams
Everyone have their dreams. They have something they hope and want to achieve. So what are mine? I can't think of any. I can't even dream anymore. I was always here in front of someone else but it seems the closer you are to someone, the person can't see you. Maybe it happens to everyone, maybe my presence is too tiny and my feelings are too faint. I'm always here, looking behind, looking at the you walking away. Never shall i need to dream because it could never get any better in these dreams.
My heart is neither broken nor shattered. I don't have a heart anymore so what is there to break? I've never mention my heart, it's just me, the person without a heart still walking around soulless. I could smile, i could laugh, but when i did, i always ask myself if i am happy? It's bitter. Everyday, i ask myself these same questions. Why am i still here, do i love her, is she happier now, how is she now, when would this tiny presence of mine be erased? I'm no longer trying to find comfort nor love. I no longer needs anyone, be it my friends or family. I will move on alone, to as far as my body can take me and lay to eternal rest.
Leave me, leave me for it is only natural. Leave me, leave me, the whole world has collapsed. Dream of the broken smile, from a tainted person. It's been 2 months and counting...
My heart is neither broken nor shattered. I don't have a heart anymore so what is there to break? I've never mention my heart, it's just me, the person without a heart still walking around soulless. I could smile, i could laugh, but when i did, i always ask myself if i am happy? It's bitter. Everyday, i ask myself these same questions. Why am i still here, do i love her, is she happier now, how is she now, when would this tiny presence of mine be erased? I'm no longer trying to find comfort nor love. I no longer needs anyone, be it my friends or family. I will move on alone, to as far as my body can take me and lay to eternal rest.
Leave me, leave me for it is only natural. Leave me, leave me, the whole world has collapsed. Dream of the broken smile, from a tainted person. It's been 2 months and counting...
i know that i have loved you ... at 10:55 am
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Thursday, January 09, 2014
Akikan
I'm all alone in this world, in this world corrupted by darkness. I tried to break free from it, I thought I have found the light. Was I mistaken or was I blinded by the radiating bright light you shine? Until the world comes to an end, I will not give up. Despite falling down so many times, I'll pick myself right up because I know there you will be. Even though I might just be an empty can, I'm glad I've served my purpose to you. Until the world comes to an end, remember I will be right here waiting for you. All the times we spent and the memories we shared will be keep deep inside me. Even if you don't remember them, illl keep you close to me, without a beating heart, on this tragedy night.
A random post which I thought of. Akikan means 'can' in Japanese. Even though I may be acan and my ffate is seal, I'll be happy if I have served my purpose. Worn out and down.
A random post which I thought of. Akikan means 'can' in Japanese. Even though I may be acan and my ffate is seal, I'll be happy if I have served my purpose. Worn out and down.
i know that i have loved you ... at 12:12 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Wednesday, January 08, 2014
Sorry
I can't imagine, any greater fear. Than waking up, without you here. Although the sun will shine on, but my whole world will be gone. I'm worn out.
I received a message that the O'level results will be out. Without hesitation, I forwarded the message to her. I wasn't supposed to text her but I wanted her to know. There is no one else I can send to to inform her. I wished we could share this moment of truth together but I know we can't. I am not good enough. There will be a better person to share these moments with her in the future. My tears fell again. How pathetic of me.
Hope you're happy. It's all I could think of. Perhaps she doesn't remember that she promised to send me her results but it's okay. Hope she's happy... There is nothing more I can do. Sorry.
I received a message that the O'level results will be out. Without hesitation, I forwarded the message to her. I wasn't supposed to text her but I wanted her to know. There is no one else I can send to to inform her. I wished we could share this moment of truth together but I know we can't. I am not good enough. There will be a better person to share these moments with her in the future. My tears fell again. How pathetic of me.
Hope you're happy. It's all I could think of. Perhaps she doesn't remember that she promised to send me her results but it's okay. Hope she's happy... There is nothing more I can do. Sorry.
i know that i have loved you ... at 11:33 am
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Sunday, January 05, 2014
The End
The end, it's such a scary place to be, everything is torn apart. Gonna find a way from here but I don't know how. Everything ending is a new beginning. But for me, I chose to let it end forever. Just got a new prepaid number for work and finally gonna change my number and it will be completed. It is never easy to let go. Every night, i look at the soft toy you gave me and pat him. Even though promises are meant to be broken, even though many said you were too young, i'll braved forward from here alone. And alone will i be, now and always...
Slowly but surely, my presence, the memories of me will fade and new things will come. The only constant thing about human is change. Even though i may no longer be around you, maybe one day, you will find me in a familiar place, sitting there, waiting. The venue of our 1st date, the places we went to, the usual route i took, the food you prepared and the usual place i always wait, sitting, watching people rush by. The noisy place which i waited 2 hours. There i will be and i have been.
I am relief to see your life going on as per normal. Happier and the places you traveled to. You've grown but i remained in my formal shell. I can only watch you from afar and hope you're happy. Stay happy, i keep cheering on for you, even though you may not hear them. One day, another person will be by your side and i am sure, the color of his soul will be brighter and bring joy to your life.
In the end, i could not do anything for you. In the end, i still remember your smiles. Even though you may no longer remember the promises and the future we spoke about, don't worry, i will keep them safe with me. I am glad you didn't have to face this darkness and sorrow with me.
Ended with nothing but a drop of tear.
Slowly but surely, my presence, the memories of me will fade and new things will come. The only constant thing about human is change. Even though i may no longer be around you, maybe one day, you will find me in a familiar place, sitting there, waiting. The venue of our 1st date, the places we went to, the usual route i took, the food you prepared and the usual place i always wait, sitting, watching people rush by. The noisy place which i waited 2 hours. There i will be and i have been.
I am relief to see your life going on as per normal. Happier and the places you traveled to. You've grown but i remained in my formal shell. I can only watch you from afar and hope you're happy. Stay happy, i keep cheering on for you, even though you may not hear them. One day, another person will be by your side and i am sure, the color of his soul will be brighter and bring joy to your life.
In the end, i could not do anything for you. In the end, i still remember your smiles. Even though you may no longer remember the promises and the future we spoke about, don't worry, i will keep them safe with me. I am glad you didn't have to face this darkness and sorrow with me.
Ended with nothing but a drop of tear.
i know that i have loved you ... at 6:45 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
