Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Heartless
I told myself countless times that i would no longer feel any pain. If i have no heart, then there wouldn't be feelings and there would be no pain. Since a long time ago, i've forgotten about using this word 'heart'. I told myself constantly that i don't need a heart, not the physical form but the more spiritual and emotional form. It's funny right? HAHA! Yes, i do not need a heart anymore. But still, i can't rid myself of this feelings.
If you would be here right now, i guess i would hug you and break. But i'm already broken, where else would i be breaking? Funny right? For a long time, i've been watching over you. I treated everyone as good as i could and as much as i wanted to be treated. Even when i am smiling, deep inside me, i could not feel the true meaning of happiness. You showed me a way but i still couldn't get out. I'm full of contradictions and so is life. I'm worn out.
Loving someone isn't about being together with that person. I've always thought of it more than others would. I would not force my wishful thinking upon you and neither would i tell you. If fate brings us to it, then i will grab it and not let go. Everyday, i would be thinking about you and how your life has been. My feelings for you could not be put into words and even if i could, it is something that is forbidden to be mentioned. I said i would watch over you and so will i. Even though i could no longer see you nor know how you are now, i'll imagine and be confident that you're fine and happy. That's my prayer everyday for you in the evening.
To you, it may seems that i have forgotten you. Perhaps you've already forgotten my existence. I'll keep telling myself that it's okay. Because the world wouldn't stop for me and life still goes on for you. I want to see the sunshine on your face, your smile and you talking with your friends. If we've met in another era or in a different parallel world, i hope the 'me' there would be able to shower you with affection.
Knowing you was truly a blessing and being able to understand and do something for you was definitely a joy in my life. I am not without a heart but i chose to be heartless. It is not because i don't care about you anymore, it is because i need to hide my feelings, to you and to everyone else. As i keep writing, i'll grow old and aged without anyone else knowing or be by my side but i'll remain true to what i believe. As i closed my eyes now, all i could remembered was your smile and shyness. I smiled and tears began to fall. All i ever wanted was for someone to love me the way i am and be by my side. Keep smiling! Dear M,thank you.
If you would be here right now, i guess i would hug you and break. But i'm already broken, where else would i be breaking? Funny right? For a long time, i've been watching over you. I treated everyone as good as i could and as much as i wanted to be treated. Even when i am smiling, deep inside me, i could not feel the true meaning of happiness. You showed me a way but i still couldn't get out. I'm full of contradictions and so is life. I'm worn out.
Loving someone isn't about being together with that person. I've always thought of it more than others would. I would not force my wishful thinking upon you and neither would i tell you. If fate brings us to it, then i will grab it and not let go. Everyday, i would be thinking about you and how your life has been. My feelings for you could not be put into words and even if i could, it is something that is forbidden to be mentioned. I said i would watch over you and so will i. Even though i could no longer see you nor know how you are now, i'll imagine and be confident that you're fine and happy. That's my prayer everyday for you in the evening.
To you, it may seems that i have forgotten you. Perhaps you've already forgotten my existence. I'll keep telling myself that it's okay. Because the world wouldn't stop for me and life still goes on for you. I want to see the sunshine on your face, your smile and you talking with your friends. If we've met in another era or in a different parallel world, i hope the 'me' there would be able to shower you with affection.
Knowing you was truly a blessing and being able to understand and do something for you was definitely a joy in my life. I am not without a heart but i chose to be heartless. It is not because i don't care about you anymore, it is because i need to hide my feelings, to you and to everyone else. As i keep writing, i'll grow old and aged without anyone else knowing or be by my side but i'll remain true to what i believe. As i closed my eyes now, all i could remembered was your smile and shyness. I smiled and tears began to fall. All i ever wanted was for someone to love me the way i am and be by my side. Keep smiling! Dear M,thank you.
i know that i have loved you ... at 7:04 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Shadow
It's hurting so deep inside, tell me why why why! Cause it's breaking me, it's killing me, my life. Dear M, how has life been for you? How are your classes, your family and your studies? there are so many things which I want to tell you and ask you. So many things I want to know. Should I ask? Or may I ask?
Have you managed to make new friends? I guess you did. How's your and your love ones? Is your sister doing well? Don't stress don't stress okay? There are many times that I've wanted to call your or text you but would u be happy?
I love you. So much so much to mention. It hurts so much so much. could we talk? Will I ever see you again? It's so painful so painful till my tears starts to fall. I wish we could be together but I know that you'll be happier with someone else. Right? I wish I could... Dear M, I've prepared everything till the end. Rmb, I'll always be with you somewhere deep inside me.
Have you managed to make new friends? I guess you did. How's your and your love ones? Is your sister doing well? Don't stress don't stress okay? There are many times that I've wanted to call your or text you but would u be happy?
I love you. So much so much to mention. It hurts so much so much. could we talk? Will I ever see you again? It's so painful so painful till my tears starts to fall. I wish we could be together but I know that you'll be happier with someone else. Right? I wish I could... Dear M, I've prepared everything till the end. Rmb, I'll always be with you somewhere deep inside me.
i know that i have loved you ... at 2:10 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Friday, February 21, 2014
You
You've always been inside my mind. There hasn't been a day that i've not think of you. To me, you're someone i keep close and someone whom i want to smile together with. How have you been? Are you happier these days? I've not. It's me, i'm all alone in this world, left alone. My world is already broken but i was really happy you've been here in my life. I tried my best my very best to love me and take care of you. So much to tell you but i could never tell you anything. Take care.....
i know that i have loved you ... at 4:16 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Sunset
It's almost 6pm. I'm at the usual spot in my room looking up at the sky. How have you been? How was the orientation? I guess you're starting your lesson formally next week. Are you worried? I can see the sun shinning on the block opposite and i thought, it's beautiful yet it brings out a sense of sorrow in me.
I kept you photos in my phone and wallet. Remember the last gift you gave me? It was a black ear stick. I kept it till this date and i cherish it. My heart sank like the setting sun. I wonder if there will come a day which you've forgotten about me. Silly me, there is no use remembering right? You should look forward. I guess i am never honest about my feelings because i could never tell you perfectly how i feel.
I'm still waiting for you. On and off, i'll always be at the usual place, sitting there, reminiscing the past and hope i could watch you from afar. But i wouldn't pester you and i would not call nor text you. If you are happier without me in your life, i should stay out of it. I am not stalking you but i am just at the usual place randomly. Maybe one day, i would even see you with you love one. I wonder how i would react? HAHA!
It's still hurting badly. Everyday, all i could think about is you. Some much to mention but i can't find the words. Someday, i hope you will understand but it's okay. I wouldn't want you to see this side of me. I'm broken, torn and incomplete. I could never be the best for you anymore but still... i'm missing you...
I kept you photos in my phone and wallet. Remember the last gift you gave me? It was a black ear stick. I kept it till this date and i cherish it. My heart sank like the setting sun. I wonder if there will come a day which you've forgotten about me. Silly me, there is no use remembering right? You should look forward. I guess i am never honest about my feelings because i could never tell you perfectly how i feel.
I'm still waiting for you. On and off, i'll always be at the usual place, sitting there, reminiscing the past and hope i could watch you from afar. But i wouldn't pester you and i would not call nor text you. If you are happier without me in your life, i should stay out of it. I am not stalking you but i am just at the usual place randomly. Maybe one day, i would even see you with you love one. I wonder how i would react? HAHA!
It's still hurting badly. Everyday, all i could think about is you. Some much to mention but i can't find the words. Someday, i hope you will understand but it's okay. I wouldn't want you to see this side of me. I'm broken, torn and incomplete. I could never be the best for you anymore but still... i'm missing you...
i know that i have loved you ... at 6:04 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Friday, February 14, 2014
I'm here
I'm here, at the same spot where I used to wait for you. It seems so empty here, or maybe it's just me. I used to look forward seeing you and I still am now. The only difference is that you will no longer appear no matter how long I'm waiting. To be honest, I wouldn't want you to see me now. Pathetic, weak and frail. I feel drained. I'm here, so near yet so far apart.
Many things came to my mind. The happy memories and many uncertainties. I have no rights anymore so I'll just keep it to myself. I used to wait 2 hours just for you because of your oral. I didn't mind and I wasn't angry. I was simply worried. But now, you won't appear again.
I hope you have a really good day today and everyday. There is no better present that I could ever give you except my feelings but I couldn't. I'm waiting for you. Waiting for you deep inside my heart. There are many things you would never know and never have to know. Be happy always...
Many things came to my mind. The happy memories and many uncertainties. I have no rights anymore so I'll just keep it to myself. I used to wait 2 hours just for you because of your oral. I didn't mind and I wasn't angry. I was simply worried. But now, you won't appear again.
I hope you have a really good day today and everyday. There is no better present that I could ever give you except my feelings but I couldn't. I'm waiting for you. Waiting for you deep inside my heart. There are many things you would never know and never have to know. Be happy always...
i know that i have loved you ... at 4:53 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
valentine's day
It's Valentine's day today. Happy Valentine's day dearest M. I wanted to send you my wishes but it'll seems awkward right? How was your day? Will you be celebrating with your love one? I guess you dislike crowd too? I'll be happy if we could just have a mean at your house but I know it's too far fetched to be true.
When I walked by a newspaper stand in the morning and saw them selling roses. Remember I said I wanted to be the first to give them to you but your juniors beat me to it... I wanted to buy them and put them at your door step again. But I'm worried that it might annoyed you. It's not the gift that matters but how the person feels. Somehow, roses can never represent how I'm feeling for you and they will just die after a few days. Guess I'll just sit there and wait. That similar spot I've always waited for you to travel back to your house.
Even though I'm alone & lonely, I hope you will be happy together with your love ones everyday and not just today. Stay happy and smile. Thank you for everything.
When I walked by a newspaper stand in the morning and saw them selling roses. Remember I said I wanted to be the first to give them to you but your juniors beat me to it... I wanted to buy them and put them at your door step again. But I'm worried that it might annoyed you. It's not the gift that matters but how the person feels. Somehow, roses can never represent how I'm feeling for you and they will just die after a few days. Guess I'll just sit there and wait. That similar spot I've always waited for you to travel back to your house.
Even though I'm alone & lonely, I hope you will be happy together with your love ones everyday and not just today. Stay happy and smile. Thank you for everything.
i know that i have loved you ... at 12:24 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Night Sky
Do you prefer the bright and sunny daylight or the dark but beautiful night sky? I'm back here on this seat and looking at the laptop screen, gazing at the dark skies, smiling and thinking of you. How have you been? Every little thing i do, you never fail to appear in my life. Hope you are leading a wonderful and purposeful life now.
Whenever i travel to work and reaches outside my workplace, i'll look at the bus stop where i used to take the bus to your place. I traveled to school, boarding the train, passing by your station. I have the urge to visit you but i didn't. Funny me? I actually alighted and sat there for a while before traveling again. Even if we met, what would i say to you? I would be an annoyance and would i disrupt your peaceful and loving life? My house smells of the mosquito repellent you once used. I smiled. I remembered everything as it seems liked it happened just yesterday. I'm still weeping inside everyday but i could never let anyone know.
My life is just like the night sky. Dark, yet you could find stars. I am not perfect but i try my best. I'm always worried about not good enough. Even if it's not my fault, i'll apologize. I feel truly alone. No friends, no family, no love ones. So why am i feeling this way that i want to be with you? Would i be a burden? I'm supposed to support you but how long would i be able to smile without ever showing my true self. I am glad that you have someone you cherish and he is able to return that feeling. I smiled, thinking you would be smiling happily and be successful in the future. I'm glad to have been able to know you as a stranger.
My thoughts and feelings will protect you like the night never fails to fall in the world. Even though i'm all but darkness, i hope the gentle stars had made you felt relieved and happy, even though it was for just a moment. Even though my feelings could no longer reach you, i believe, i believe and i truly believe, they will protect you. Take care.
Whenever i travel to work and reaches outside my workplace, i'll look at the bus stop where i used to take the bus to your place. I traveled to school, boarding the train, passing by your station. I have the urge to visit you but i didn't. Funny me? I actually alighted and sat there for a while before traveling again. Even if we met, what would i say to you? I would be an annoyance and would i disrupt your peaceful and loving life? My house smells of the mosquito repellent you once used. I smiled. I remembered everything as it seems liked it happened just yesterday. I'm still weeping inside everyday but i could never let anyone know.
My life is just like the night sky. Dark, yet you could find stars. I am not perfect but i try my best. I'm always worried about not good enough. Even if it's not my fault, i'll apologize. I feel truly alone. No friends, no family, no love ones. So why am i feeling this way that i want to be with you? Would i be a burden? I'm supposed to support you but how long would i be able to smile without ever showing my true self. I am glad that you have someone you cherish and he is able to return that feeling. I smiled, thinking you would be smiling happily and be successful in the future. I'm glad to have been able to know you as a stranger.
My thoughts and feelings will protect you like the night never fails to fall in the world. Even though i'm all but darkness, i hope the gentle stars had made you felt relieved and happy, even though it was for just a moment. Even though my feelings could no longer reach you, i believe, i believe and i truly believe, they will protect you. Take care.
i know that i have loved you ... at 10:08 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Monday, February 10, 2014
Miss you
I'm alone, sitting at the coffee shop. It's noisy, yet I felt lonely. The train I took went pass places which we had been. Somehow, I felt sorrow. I wanted to tell the whole world I miss you but I screamed, trying to cover how I feel. It's been this way for months now. Are you happier now? New friends at your JC orientation, love ones around you. I wish you never would feel the way I feel.
I tried my best to live on as normally as I could. I tried my best to avoid you physically but there hasn't been a single day I hadn't thought of you. It isn't your fault, it was simply me, not being good enough. I'm sorry.
If you could see me now, you would laugh pathetic I am now. Haha. This is me, putting everything I could on someone I wanted to be with. It is not me being timid, but I wanted you to be happy. No words of mine would ever reach you. Still, I'll keep you safe inside me, for you are the last one I would ever be with.
Fly away, fly as high as you want to. Because if you fall, I will be right there to catch you, without fail.
I tried my best to live on as normally as I could. I tried my best to avoid you physically but there hasn't been a single day I hadn't thought of you. It isn't your fault, it was simply me, not being good enough. I'm sorry.
If you could see me now, you would laugh pathetic I am now. Haha. This is me, putting everything I could on someone I wanted to be with. It is not me being timid, but I wanted you to be happy. No words of mine would ever reach you. Still, I'll keep you safe inside me, for you are the last one I would ever be with.
Fly away, fly as high as you want to. Because if you fall, I will be right there to catch you, without fail.
i know that i have loved you ... at 6:27 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Friday, February 07, 2014
Somewhere only we know
I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete
Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting tired and I need someone to rely on
I'm getting tired and I need someone to rely on
I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?
Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
And if you have a minute, why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know
Oh simple thing where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need someone to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin
I'm getting old and I need someone to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin
And if you have a minute, why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know
i know that i have loved you ... at 5:12 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Thursday, February 06, 2014
Heart Beat
I just dreamt of you. You were in the Chinese opera costume and your eyes were wet. I walked over, feeling the pain and sadness, i wiped the tears off your eyes. You looked me in the eyes, smiled and then pinched my cheeks. I hope everything is alright for you.
After that dream, i have this uncontrollable urge which I've be suppressing for so long to text you but i tell myself, i shouldn't be an inconvenience to you and your life. You have friends and your love ones with you. If you're sad or feeling down, i'm sure you will relate to them. EXCUSES right?! I keep finding every bit of reason to stop myself from contacting you. It really pains me. But you said i am worse than a friend and you would be happier without me around. How could i be such a contradiction and text you?
There are a lot a lot which i wish you could listen. A lot more which i hope to share. Many more i wish you could tell me yet so little i could bring them out inside me. You've hurt me deeply and in a way that had changed my life. But i'll still smile because i know your feelings for me were true long ago. I just hope that you're happy and keep smiling with your love ones. A thousand words to say but if i could just request you to feel one sentence, i would like to tell you, I LOVE YOU.
After that dream, i have this uncontrollable urge which I've be suppressing for so long to text you but i tell myself, i shouldn't be an inconvenience to you and your life. You have friends and your love ones with you. If you're sad or feeling down, i'm sure you will relate to them. EXCUSES right?! I keep finding every bit of reason to stop myself from contacting you. It really pains me. But you said i am worse than a friend and you would be happier without me around. How could i be such a contradiction and text you?
There are a lot a lot which i wish you could listen. A lot more which i hope to share. Many more i wish you could tell me yet so little i could bring them out inside me. You've hurt me deeply and in a way that had changed my life. But i'll still smile because i know your feelings for me were true long ago. I just hope that you're happy and keep smiling with your love ones. A thousand words to say but if i could just request you to feel one sentence, i would like to tell you, I LOVE YOU.
i know that i have loved you ... at 9:37 am
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Saturday, February 01, 2014
Alone
The feeling of being utterly alone is indescribable. Looking out my window, i pictured family visits, friends laughing together and everyone smiling but i'm alone. I'm distancing myself from the world and the people around me. I cut off contact with many and many more to come. I avoided company functions and i tried to lead my life as normal as i could but it just ain't the same.
I wrote to you, wishing you could give me some comfort but it seems i was hoping to much. There is no way you would reply me and it is never possible for anyone to visit my blog. Some part of me inside is bleeding, some already dead and many will follow as i am thrown into despair. You will never understand. I guess, it is just too cruel for anyone to understand or to go through it.
It's hurting like hell every day inside me. I tried my best to sleep, but when i'm awake, it's too painful to handle. With no salvation, i'm leading a slow death and despair. I won't blame anyone and it was never anyone's fault.
I'm tired. I can't go on anymore. I wish i could die. I wish my live would end right this instance. I'm broken, twisted and truly alone. With nowhere left to go, no place left to hide and no hope left to live, i accept death and darkness in. I love you, the only word i wanted to say before i leave, now and forever...
I wrote to you, wishing you could give me some comfort but it seems i was hoping to much. There is no way you would reply me and it is never possible for anyone to visit my blog. Some part of me inside is bleeding, some already dead and many will follow as i am thrown into despair. You will never understand. I guess, it is just too cruel for anyone to understand or to go through it.
It's hurting like hell every day inside me. I tried my best to sleep, but when i'm awake, it's too painful to handle. With no salvation, i'm leading a slow death and despair. I won't blame anyone and it was never anyone's fault.
I'm tired. I can't go on anymore. I wish i could die. I wish my live would end right this instance. I'm broken, twisted and truly alone. With nowhere left to go, no place left to hide and no hope left to live, i accept death and darkness in. I love you, the only word i wanted to say before i leave, now and forever...
i know that i have loved you ... at 2:12 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
