Sunday, October 30, 2011
35
Dear blog, it's coming to the 35th month and i've almost waited for a year now. No matter what happens in the end, i just hope she can be happy. After deleting her facebook and MSN, there is no other way to contact her. Still i wish to say, happy 35th month. :) The below will be as follows.
Dear Wina,
Happy 35th month. Even though we didn't get that far, i'm glad to see u being loved and happier now. There're many many things which i could not tell you. Many things i've done in secret in hope you'll be happier and many wrong choices i've made. Forgive me for being selfish and selfless.
Do you still remember our 1st meeting? How and where we met? Our conversation? Sitting down looking at girls and guys. Comparing them and judging if they're pretty or handsome. Our 1st date, the library, i carried you and ran around. You were very scared and keep screaming. I've always been trusting towards you. I've never doubted you or your love. I believed that you'll never lie to me. So many things are flashing in my mind now but it's just a small portion of yesterday.
The 1st time i felt so broken was when you fall in love with the police guy. You said you like him but still have feelings for me. I felt like i was a toy. It was during the time of my training and it really sucks. I've to pretend and act as if nothing happens. Finally, you gave him up because you saw him with another girl and realised he's a jerk. If not for me begging you to stay, if you didn't see him with another girl, you might have gotten together with him and get hurt.
The 2nd time, without a word, without a chance, you left to someone you barely knew for a month. The 2years we spent was like ink on the whiteboard, easily erased and you told me he was better. But i keep telling you, trying to convince you he isn't what or who you think he is. You begged for his forgiveness just as i beg you to come back. You only came looking for me when you're sad and lonely. I realised that i am just a shelter you'll come looking for when you're down. Even when you said you still love me, i knew it was a gentle lie but i'm happy to accept it as long as i can stay by your side to give you happiness for as long as possible.
3rd time, before i left, you asked if we're still possible together. I could've gave you an answer yes and asked you back but i didn't. Whenever i do things, i'll put you in the 1st place and think for you. It's gonna be a 4months trip. You'll feel down and lonely again. I can't be there for you. Therefore, rather than waiting for me, i want you to live happily liked i always hoped for. You found and got together with him within 3 weeks. You told me you feel xinfu with him so be it. While waiting for your mail, i went to shopped for the item you wanted. I bought 8 of them just to let you choose. Silly me. While you're spending time with him. I've know you for so long that i know you're dating another guy so i asked you through the phone and u admitted it. What a joke.
Wina, i'm sorry if i wasn't good enough for her. To me, things i've done for you, i needn't mention, but i hope you'll be able to feel it someday. Just like when you told me about the contract stuff, actually you told me you didn't want me to work as a nurse because you think it was dangerous, so i decided to take another route. The money i got, i wanted to support you somewhat in university. I know you'll start to compare someday my bf is just poly grad but i'm a uni grad earning more than him, or maybe find it too shameful to tell your friends but i didn't mind. I just wanted you to be happy and don't worry about so many stuff. I distant myself from you because you can no long seek shelter when it rains, rather you should call "home" and wait for your umbrella that'll always be with you from now till the end.
Wishing you're happier now. That's my wish when i saw the shooting stars. Take care.
Dear Wina,
Happy 35th month. Even though we didn't get that far, i'm glad to see u being loved and happier now. There're many many things which i could not tell you. Many things i've done in secret in hope you'll be happier and many wrong choices i've made. Forgive me for being selfish and selfless.
Do you still remember our 1st meeting? How and where we met? Our conversation? Sitting down looking at girls and guys. Comparing them and judging if they're pretty or handsome. Our 1st date, the library, i carried you and ran around. You were very scared and keep screaming. I've always been trusting towards you. I've never doubted you or your love. I believed that you'll never lie to me. So many things are flashing in my mind now but it's just a small portion of yesterday.
The 1st time i felt so broken was when you fall in love with the police guy. You said you like him but still have feelings for me. I felt like i was a toy. It was during the time of my training and it really sucks. I've to pretend and act as if nothing happens. Finally, you gave him up because you saw him with another girl and realised he's a jerk. If not for me begging you to stay, if you didn't see him with another girl, you might have gotten together with him and get hurt.
The 2nd time, without a word, without a chance, you left to someone you barely knew for a month. The 2years we spent was like ink on the whiteboard, easily erased and you told me he was better. But i keep telling you, trying to convince you he isn't what or who you think he is. You begged for his forgiveness just as i beg you to come back. You only came looking for me when you're sad and lonely. I realised that i am just a shelter you'll come looking for when you're down. Even when you said you still love me, i knew it was a gentle lie but i'm happy to accept it as long as i can stay by your side to give you happiness for as long as possible.
3rd time, before i left, you asked if we're still possible together. I could've gave you an answer yes and asked you back but i didn't. Whenever i do things, i'll put you in the 1st place and think for you. It's gonna be a 4months trip. You'll feel down and lonely again. I can't be there for you. Therefore, rather than waiting for me, i want you to live happily liked i always hoped for. You found and got together with him within 3 weeks. You told me you feel xinfu with him so be it. While waiting for your mail, i went to shopped for the item you wanted. I bought 8 of them just to let you choose. Silly me. While you're spending time with him. I've know you for so long that i know you're dating another guy so i asked you through the phone and u admitted it. What a joke.
Wina, i'm sorry if i wasn't good enough for her. To me, things i've done for you, i needn't mention, but i hope you'll be able to feel it someday. Just like when you told me about the contract stuff, actually you told me you didn't want me to work as a nurse because you think it was dangerous, so i decided to take another route. The money i got, i wanted to support you somewhat in university. I know you'll start to compare someday my bf is just poly grad but i'm a uni grad earning more than him, or maybe find it too shameful to tell your friends but i didn't mind. I just wanted you to be happy and don't worry about so many stuff. I distant myself from you because you can no long seek shelter when it rains, rather you should call "home" and wait for your umbrella that'll always be with you from now till the end.
Wishing you're happier now. That's my wish when i saw the shooting stars. Take care.
i know that i have loved you ... at 4:25 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Ending
Every ending is a new beginning, one more chance to get things right yet another chance to get things wrong. The end is such a scary place to be, everything just falls apart. Every drama has it's ending just as life does. People don't live for every and memories does goes down when one is dead. The one left behind will be the one sufferings, bearing this pain and sorrow with them. It suddenly makes me wonder if anyone would mourn for me?
In the end, those whose lives have ended, everything is the same for them. Ending this miserable life and sufferings yet to press on ahead with another with an unknown future. I wish i could be brave too. I wish my end is near, giving me a little time before i depart with the people i care for and doing my part for others whom i've never met or know. I wanna donate every part of my body to let the less fortunate have a better life. Is there so much i can do, watching those people suffering in pain and unable to communicate what they want.
When the end is near, it is near, for naught be fear, the last sense is in the ear.
In the end, those whose lives have ended, everything is the same for them. Ending this miserable life and sufferings yet to press on ahead with another with an unknown future. I wish i could be brave too. I wish my end is near, giving me a little time before i depart with the people i care for and doing my part for others whom i've never met or know. I wanna donate every part of my body to let the less fortunate have a better life. Is there so much i can do, watching those people suffering in pain and unable to communicate what they want.
When the end is near, it is near, for naught be fear, the last sense is in the ear.
i know that i have loved you ... at 3:26 am
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Faith
Believe in yourself, be who you want to be. I will shed no tears i will face my fears all alone. All the doubts in mind i will leave behind. Through endless rain of tears, i believe i'll be free once again. Searching for truth behind, in my life i'll let them binds me to pain.
Faith, hope and glory, wonders are waiting to start. But there can be no ending to the sins created. The faith we keep is just a small portion of our wish, what we hope for. Is it simply because we don't have anything to depend on or anyone else there for us that's why we hold on to our faith? I've lost faith in myself and every other in my life. Do i need them to survive? We can always be and live alone. This loneliness and emptiness, no one have the rights to feel them. Being in the middle surrounded by people yet you're feeling so empty and sad inside. I'm tired. I'm beginning to lease down my faith...
I just wish that life for me would soon be over and endless sorrow and sufferings to come will make me learn and be a better person.
Faith, hope and glory, wonders are waiting to start. But there can be no ending to the sins created. The faith we keep is just a small portion of our wish, what we hope for. Is it simply because we don't have anything to depend on or anyone else there for us that's why we hold on to our faith? I've lost faith in myself and every other in my life. Do i need them to survive? We can always be and live alone. This loneliness and emptiness, no one have the rights to feel them. Being in the middle surrounded by people yet you're feeling so empty and sad inside. I'm tired. I'm beginning to lease down my faith...
I just wish that life for me would soon be over and endless sorrow and sufferings to come will make me learn and be a better person.
i know that i have loved you ... at 3:46 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Time after time
Lying in my bed i hear,
The clock tick and i think of you,
Caught up in circles,
Confusion is nothing new,
Flash back to warm nights,
And those left behind,
Suitcase and memories,
Time after
Sometimes, you picture me
I'm walking to far a head
You calling to me, and I can't hear
Just what you've said,
And you say go slow,
I fall behind,
The second hand unwinds
If you're lost and you look and you will find me,
Time after time
If you fall i will catch you I'll be waiting,
Time after time
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/j/journey-south-lyrics/time-after-time-lyrics.html ]
If you fall i will catch you I'll be waiting,
Time after time
Time after time
After my picture fades, darkness has turned to grey,
Watching through windows, you're wondering if I'm ok,
Secrets for so long,
From deep inside,
The drum beats out of time,
If you're lost and you look and you will find me,
Time after time
If you fall i will catch you I'll be waiting,
Time after time
If you fall i will catch you I'll be waiting,
Time after time
Time after time
Time after time
Time after time
The clock tick and i think of you,
Caught up in circles,
Confusion is nothing new,
Flash back to warm nights,
And those left behind,
Suitcase and memories,
Time after
Sometimes, you picture me
I'm walking to far a head
You calling to me, and I can't hear
Just what you've said,
And you say go slow,
I fall behind,
The second hand unwinds
If you're lost and you look and you will find me,
Time after time
If you fall i will catch you I'll be waiting,
Time after time
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/j/journey-south-lyrics/time-after-time-lyrics.html ]
If you fall i will catch you I'll be waiting,
Time after time
Time after time
After my picture fades, darkness has turned to grey,
Watching through windows, you're wondering if I'm ok,
Secrets for so long,
From deep inside,
The drum beats out of time,
If you're lost and you look and you will find me,
Time after time
If you fall i will catch you I'll be waiting,
Time after time
If you fall i will catch you I'll be waiting,
Time after time
Time after time
Time after time
Time after time
i know that i have loved you ... at 1:51 am
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Sunday, October 23, 2011
可惜不是你
这一刻 突然觉得好熟悉
像昨天 今天同时在放映
我这句语气 原来好像你
不就是我们爱过的证据
差一点 骗了自己骗了你
爱与被爱不一定成正比
我知道被疼是一种运气
但我无法完全交出自己
努力为你改变
却变不了 预留的伏线
以为在你身边 那也算永远
彷佛还是昨天
可是昨天 已非常遥远
但闭上双眼 我还看得见
可惜不是你 陪我到最后
曾一起走却走失那路口
感谢那是你 牵过我的手
还能感受那温柔
那一段 我们曾心贴著心
我想我更有权力关心你
可能你 已走进别人风景
多希望 也有 星光的投影
努力为你改变
却变不了 预留的伏线
以为在你身边 那也算永远
彷佛还是昨天
可是昨天 已非常遥远
但闭上双眼 我还看得见
可惜不是你 陪我到最后
曾一起走却走失那路口
感谢那是你 牵过我的手
还能感受那温柔
感谢那是你 牵过我的手
还能温暖我胸口
像昨天 今天同时在放映
我这句语气 原来好像你
不就是我们爱过的证据
差一点 骗了自己骗了你
爱与被爱不一定成正比
我知道被疼是一种运气
但我无法完全交出自己
努力为你改变
却变不了 预留的伏线
以为在你身边 那也算永远
彷佛还是昨天
可是昨天 已非常遥远
但闭上双眼 我还看得见
可惜不是你 陪我到最后
曾一起走却走失那路口
感谢那是你 牵过我的手
还能感受那温柔
那一段 我们曾心贴著心
我想我更有权力关心你
可能你 已走进别人风景
多希望 也有 星光的投影
努力为你改变
却变不了 预留的伏线
以为在你身边 那也算永远
彷佛还是昨天
可是昨天 已非常遥远
但闭上双眼 我还看得见
可惜不是你 陪我到最后
曾一起走却走失那路口
感谢那是你 牵过我的手
还能感受那温柔
感谢那是你 牵过我的手
还能温暖我胸口
i know that i have loved you ... at 2:53 am
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Goodbye
It's a long lost goodbye, sayonara sayonara. It's often most difficult to say goodbye to someone whom you cherish or once cherished. Sometimes it may be essential so life can go on for that someone else. For me, no matter how much or how long i tried, i can't but i know i have to. I can't stay there as a temporary shelter for her anymore. I've always been too caring and putting other 1st but no one else would spare a thought for me or would care about my feelings. But it's okay, that's the way i am.
No matter how much time she've cheated or how many lies she spoke, it doesn't matter anymore. I love the way she lied, but i hate myself for seeing through every one of it. Perhaps i am too sensitive or maybe i'm too naive to get believe. Putting my trust in someone whom hurt me over and over again and lie to me time after time, breaking me every single day and moment, it seems so unrealistic, was everything just a dream?
It's hurting me every single day, it's breaking me every single moment. But i have to be strong. No matter how i feel, i won't show. No matter how much it hurts, i will shed no tears. If she's happy with him, there is no way i should be sad right? There is no reason for me to be sad. I should be happy for her right? These were the questions i asked myself everyday. Is she happier now? Is he treating her well? How's her studies now? How about her health and her mum's? I should stop asking now. There is no purpose in it anymore because it'll hurt me more and much more than i can bear.
I am always alone and it doesn't hurt me a little if i'm destined to be alone. It doesn't matter anymore. It's time to say goodbye now. It's time for me to be selfish now. To stop being there for her or anyone else. To stop showing concern and to shut myself in the place i belong. Sometimes i wonder if my life would be just like the shooting stars, disappearing in the blink of the eye. I'm tired, really tired. I tried to be strong and stronger but it only hurt me more. She'll never understand how it is to be treated this way but it's okay. I'll be the one that'll take everything one last time in her place.
I'm tired... If clinging to a little hope, reaching out to heaven is so difficult, then let me stay in this hell i am already in. I can never tell anyone the truth... There is no beautiful ending neither is there colors in my world anymore. No longer black and white but bright red and orange. The beautiful blood that flows from me, and the orange flame that'll burn me for eternity.
Goodbye goodbye....
No matter how much time she've cheated or how many lies she spoke, it doesn't matter anymore. I love the way she lied, but i hate myself for seeing through every one of it. Perhaps i am too sensitive or maybe i'm too naive to get believe. Putting my trust in someone whom hurt me over and over again and lie to me time after time, breaking me every single day and moment, it seems so unrealistic, was everything just a dream?
It's hurting me every single day, it's breaking me every single moment. But i have to be strong. No matter how i feel, i won't show. No matter how much it hurts, i will shed no tears. If she's happy with him, there is no way i should be sad right? There is no reason for me to be sad. I should be happy for her right? These were the questions i asked myself everyday. Is she happier now? Is he treating her well? How's her studies now? How about her health and her mum's? I should stop asking now. There is no purpose in it anymore because it'll hurt me more and much more than i can bear.
I am always alone and it doesn't hurt me a little if i'm destined to be alone. It doesn't matter anymore. It's time to say goodbye now. It's time for me to be selfish now. To stop being there for her or anyone else. To stop showing concern and to shut myself in the place i belong. Sometimes i wonder if my life would be just like the shooting stars, disappearing in the blink of the eye. I'm tired, really tired. I tried to be strong and stronger but it only hurt me more. She'll never understand how it is to be treated this way but it's okay. I'll be the one that'll take everything one last time in her place.
I'm tired... If clinging to a little hope, reaching out to heaven is so difficult, then let me stay in this hell i am already in. I can never tell anyone the truth... There is no beautiful ending neither is there colors in my world anymore. No longer black and white but bright red and orange. The beautiful blood that flows from me, and the orange flame that'll burn me for eternity.
Goodbye goodbye....
i know that i have loved you ... at 6:19 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Friday, October 21, 2011
The Mask
Everyone is clouded with a mask of their own. Some others care too much about appearance while others about how they behave and how people feel about them in the public. A mask is essential for one to continue living in this merciless world. The pace of the breathing, the fast pacing on the heart is enough to worn out a person in minutes. The more you try to hide, the heavier your mask would be. It really hurts some times when you know you have to do this to continue living.
I'm wearing a mask which no one sees. There isn't a need for someone to pity me or to take off my mask. Though heavy, it's been with me since i've come to sense. No matter what happened in the past, some can forget and choose to forgive but for me i can't. Maybe i am taking things too hard and maybe i am too silly. Being trusting and listening to others is the only weapon i have to keep people away from removing my mask. Smiling and keeping quiet are the shield to deceive people.
I hope i could just lay to the ground and rest in peace without having to feel any pain anymore because i can't afford to let them leak out. I'm tired but still i know i have to keep going, to a place unknown...
I'm wearing a mask which no one sees. There isn't a need for someone to pity me or to take off my mask. Though heavy, it's been with me since i've come to sense. No matter what happened in the past, some can forget and choose to forgive but for me i can't. Maybe i am taking things too hard and maybe i am too silly. Being trusting and listening to others is the only weapon i have to keep people away from removing my mask. Smiling and keeping quiet are the shield to deceive people.
I hope i could just lay to the ground and rest in peace without having to feel any pain anymore because i can't afford to let them leak out. I'm tired but still i know i have to keep going, to a place unknown...
i know that i have loved you ... at 8:17 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
