Sunday, October 30, 2011
35
Dear blog, it's coming to the 35th month and i've almost waited for a year now. No matter what happens in the end, i just hope she can be happy. After deleting her facebook and MSN, there is no other way to contact her. Still i wish to say, happy 35th month. :) The below will be as follows.
Dear Wina,
Happy 35th month. Even though we didn't get that far, i'm glad to see u being loved and happier now. There're many many things which i could not tell you. Many things i've done in secret in hope you'll be happier and many wrong choices i've made. Forgive me for being selfish and selfless.
Do you still remember our 1st meeting? How and where we met? Our conversation? Sitting down looking at girls and guys. Comparing them and judging if they're pretty or handsome. Our 1st date, the library, i carried you and ran around. You were very scared and keep screaming. I've always been trusting towards you. I've never doubted you or your love. I believed that you'll never lie to me. So many things are flashing in my mind now but it's just a small portion of yesterday.
The 1st time i felt so broken was when you fall in love with the police guy. You said you like him but still have feelings for me. I felt like i was a toy. It was during the time of my training and it really sucks. I've to pretend and act as if nothing happens. Finally, you gave him up because you saw him with another girl and realised he's a jerk. If not for me begging you to stay, if you didn't see him with another girl, you might have gotten together with him and get hurt.
The 2nd time, without a word, without a chance, you left to someone you barely knew for a month. The 2years we spent was like ink on the whiteboard, easily erased and you told me he was better. But i keep telling you, trying to convince you he isn't what or who you think he is. You begged for his forgiveness just as i beg you to come back. You only came looking for me when you're sad and lonely. I realised that i am just a shelter you'll come looking for when you're down. Even when you said you still love me, i knew it was a gentle lie but i'm happy to accept it as long as i can stay by your side to give you happiness for as long as possible.
3rd time, before i left, you asked if we're still possible together. I could've gave you an answer yes and asked you back but i didn't. Whenever i do things, i'll put you in the 1st place and think for you. It's gonna be a 4months trip. You'll feel down and lonely again. I can't be there for you. Therefore, rather than waiting for me, i want you to live happily liked i always hoped for. You found and got together with him within 3 weeks. You told me you feel xinfu with him so be it. While waiting for your mail, i went to shopped for the item you wanted. I bought 8 of them just to let you choose. Silly me. While you're spending time with him. I've know you for so long that i know you're dating another guy so i asked you through the phone and u admitted it. What a joke.
Wina, i'm sorry if i wasn't good enough for her. To me, things i've done for you, i needn't mention, but i hope you'll be able to feel it someday. Just like when you told me about the contract stuff, actually you told me you didn't want me to work as a nurse because you think it was dangerous, so i decided to take another route. The money i got, i wanted to support you somewhat in university. I know you'll start to compare someday my bf is just poly grad but i'm a uni grad earning more than him, or maybe find it too shameful to tell your friends but i didn't mind. I just wanted you to be happy and don't worry about so many stuff. I distant myself from you because you can no long seek shelter when it rains, rather you should call "home" and wait for your umbrella that'll always be with you from now till the end.
Wishing you're happier now. That's my wish when i saw the shooting stars. Take care.
Dear Wina,
Happy 35th month. Even though we didn't get that far, i'm glad to see u being loved and happier now. There're many many things which i could not tell you. Many things i've done in secret in hope you'll be happier and many wrong choices i've made. Forgive me for being selfish and selfless.
Do you still remember our 1st meeting? How and where we met? Our conversation? Sitting down looking at girls and guys. Comparing them and judging if they're pretty or handsome. Our 1st date, the library, i carried you and ran around. You were very scared and keep screaming. I've always been trusting towards you. I've never doubted you or your love. I believed that you'll never lie to me. So many things are flashing in my mind now but it's just a small portion of yesterday.
The 1st time i felt so broken was when you fall in love with the police guy. You said you like him but still have feelings for me. I felt like i was a toy. It was during the time of my training and it really sucks. I've to pretend and act as if nothing happens. Finally, you gave him up because you saw him with another girl and realised he's a jerk. If not for me begging you to stay, if you didn't see him with another girl, you might have gotten together with him and get hurt.
The 2nd time, without a word, without a chance, you left to someone you barely knew for a month. The 2years we spent was like ink on the whiteboard, easily erased and you told me he was better. But i keep telling you, trying to convince you he isn't what or who you think he is. You begged for his forgiveness just as i beg you to come back. You only came looking for me when you're sad and lonely. I realised that i am just a shelter you'll come looking for when you're down. Even when you said you still love me, i knew it was a gentle lie but i'm happy to accept it as long as i can stay by your side to give you happiness for as long as possible.
3rd time, before i left, you asked if we're still possible together. I could've gave you an answer yes and asked you back but i didn't. Whenever i do things, i'll put you in the 1st place and think for you. It's gonna be a 4months trip. You'll feel down and lonely again. I can't be there for you. Therefore, rather than waiting for me, i want you to live happily liked i always hoped for. You found and got together with him within 3 weeks. You told me you feel xinfu with him so be it. While waiting for your mail, i went to shopped for the item you wanted. I bought 8 of them just to let you choose. Silly me. While you're spending time with him. I've know you for so long that i know you're dating another guy so i asked you through the phone and u admitted it. What a joke.
Wina, i'm sorry if i wasn't good enough for her. To me, things i've done for you, i needn't mention, but i hope you'll be able to feel it someday. Just like when you told me about the contract stuff, actually you told me you didn't want me to work as a nurse because you think it was dangerous, so i decided to take another route. The money i got, i wanted to support you somewhat in university. I know you'll start to compare someday my bf is just poly grad but i'm a uni grad earning more than him, or maybe find it too shameful to tell your friends but i didn't mind. I just wanted you to be happy and don't worry about so many stuff. I distant myself from you because you can no long seek shelter when it rains, rather you should call "home" and wait for your umbrella that'll always be with you from now till the end.
Wishing you're happier now. That's my wish when i saw the shooting stars. Take care.
i know that i have loved you ... at 4:25 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
